Chapter 134: The Essence of Love Is but a Delirium

Over the past three days, Qin Mo had been attacked twice more by the man in the trench coat. These mental avatars possessed the same face, the same attire, and even acted with the same highly similar purpose, desperate to expel her—the anomaly within this dreamscape.

Although the enemy was well-prepared, Qin Mo remained the victor. Yet, the situation remained dire; the trench-coated man could afford countless mistakes, while she had to win every single time.

Ever since Adonis had cast his gaze upon her that day, causing her presence in the dream to flicker, the ring of authority on her finger had seemed to awaken. Ancient gods never harbored friendliness toward one another; sensing the aura of Yithogtha radiating from Adonis, the ring—representing the will of an ancient god—chose to strike back against that provocative stare. The power it exerted was perfectly calibrated: it was neither so weak that it would be crushed by Adonis, nor so overwhelming that it would trigger total rejection. It was through this that Qin Mo could remain in Ji Ning’s dream, avoiding the fate of other powerful entities who had been expelled from the dreams of others.

Ten minutes after she had vanished from Ji Ning’s room that day, Qin Mo had retreated from the mental sea and returned to the dream. However, she chose not to reveal herself, maintaining a state of one-sided visibility instead.

During the ten minutes her ring had clashed with Adonis, Qin Mo had carefully combed through everything that had occurred since her arrival. The fundamental reason she could not take Ji Ning out of the dream was not Adonis, but Ji Ning himself. He lived within this dream world, deeply convinced of the reality of his life. As long as he held onto that trust, Qin Mo could never wake him. Thus, her first reaction after leaving the mental sea was not to approach him and use the ring to pop the bubble isolating him from reality, but to observe this world—or more accurately, to observe Ji Ning—as a bystander.

Watching the despondent Ji Ning, Qin Mo had indeed contemplated giving up more than once. But she ultimately hardened her heart; only when Ji Ning truly began to question the reality of this world could she wake him. Otherwise, someone pretending to be asleep would remain asleep forever.

Ji Ning wandered aimlessly, eventually finding himself at the shopping mall from that day. The loudspeakers were broadcasting an announcement for a promotional event.

"For every 200 spent, you may redeem a plush toy at the exit..."

If only he had been there to accompany Qin Mo on her shopping trip today, they might have been able to redeem quite a few toys. Why had he been there on that day, and why had the event only started now, when he was alone?

Ji Ning watched men and women walk past him, arms filled with plush toys, laughing and talking. He had never felt so desolate. He couldn't shake the feeling that there should have been two people standing there.

He felt his pocket; there was still twenty yuan inside, enough for an ice cream with chocolate chunks. He remembered hearing someone say that the dopamine produced by the brain during love could also be obtained by eating chocolate.

The clerk selling the ice cream was a middle-aged man wearing sunglasses. With practiced speed, he swirled the ice cream exactly three times, neither more nor less, and picked a precise amount from the dizzying array of toppings. The chocolate shavings in his spoon spelled out the word "Happy" before vanishing completely. As he handed over the ice cream, he glanced at Ji Ning.

Ji Ning stood by the counter, quietly eating his ice cream while watching the skilled man prepare cup after cup. Time slipped away amidst the melting treats. Only after the man shut down the machine and hung up the "Closed" sign did he speak in a flat tone.

"I’ve been selling ice cream at Yabohan for ten years. I’ve seen more couples than you’ve seen people in your entire life. My heart has long since become as cold as this ice cream. You boys always do things in your youth that you’ll sigh about many years later."

"I’ve never been in love."

"That is exactly the problem."

After saying this, the man tidied up his shop and walked toward the mall exit without looking back, leaving Ji Ning standing there, stunned.

He pressed the elevator button for "18," the highest floor of the mall; above that was only the rooftop.

The door to the roof was locked, as expected, and as expected, Ji Ning managed to open it. This was his dream; as long as his subconscious willed it, even if the lock had been changed yesterday, it would be so rusted today that it would yield to a single touch.

Until he was certain, everything he had not yet encountered could be changed. Without the interference of invaders, Adonis would fulfill all his desires without limit. The entire dream was a sandbox serving him alone.

Under the molten gold of the sunset, a small figure stood at the edge of the railing. The evening breeze blew from one side of the city to the other, and in this moment, both lies and dreams dissolved into the sunset clouds.

A thought suddenly crossed his mind: Was this the highest point of the city?

Climbing to heights is a human instinct, much like the answer many mountaineers give when asked about their motivation: "Because it is there."

Ji Ning looked around and spotted the billboard on the top floor. A giant screen stood at the place in the city closest to the sky. He estimated that if he stood on his tiptoes, he could reach the edge above the screen.

The fear of heights eventually lost to the most primitive human curiosity, and he climbed up quickly.

Exposed to the elements, the high-altitude wind whistled into every fold of his clothes. As twilight descended, streetlights flickered to life, and the lights in the rooms began to glow. The city was illuminated by those scattered pinpricks of light, looking like an evening gown studded with diamonds.

Ji Ning sat on the edge of the screen, lonely as a fish that had drowned, and spoke softly.

"Even if it’s fake, I miss you so much."

"Is that true?"

He turned back. Qin Mo, dressed in a black jacket, was sitting beside him, smiling as she watched him. Her jacket snapped in the wind, and her messy hair obscured her delicate profile, creating an inscrutable beauty.

Ji Ning stared blankly at Qin Mo, letting her reach out to touch his face. She finally understood what longing Ji Ning’s dream was constructed upon.

He was naturally lethargic; what he craved in the real world was a life ordinary enough to soothe his lonely heart. This was what he had always wanted.

Only this explained why his dream had no features detached from the real world. What he pursued was the peaceful life he had known before encountering the SCP Foundation. In those years, he had spent one unremarkable day after another—no gaze from ancient gods, no incursions by the Flesh That Rules, no need to struggle to become strong just to survive. His only worry had been the exam the following week.

But Ji Ning, no one can return to the past. Everything inevitably marches toward the future the moment it begins. The reason you feel everything is familiar is precisely because you have experienced it before. This is your dream, and it is also the time sealed away in your memory.

Deer Academy had changed him. He did indeed yearn for a peaceful life, but that was merely a form of nostalgia for the past—like watching television on a certain afternoon and suddenly remembering that you had eaten strawberries while watching TV once before. You feel a bit nostalgic, so you get up and buy a bag at the supermarket. You think you will feel the same joy as before, but when the first strawberry enters your mouth, you realize it was not as delicious as you had imagined.

You miss the past, but even if you could truly return, you would no longer find the feeling you once had, because you are shaped and influenced by everything you have experienced up to this point.

You are still you, but you are by no means the ten-year-old version of you who was too afraid to go to school because you forgot to do your homework.

The other side of the world had set your blood on fire; the flame in your life could not be easily extinguished.

Ji Ning missed this peaceful life but could no longer adapt to it. An eagle that has seen the sky can no longer return to a cramped cage.

Qin Mo suddenly realized that it was not just her who wanted to take Ji Ning away; his own subconscious was urging him to leave this comfortable dream.

The mundane life had brought him a profound sense of loneliness, a feeling that had been magnified after meeting her, to the point where he could no longer live as he once had. In truth, according to normal logic, the best choice after a doctor's diagnosis would be to take those pills, return to the right track of life, and treat everything as a mere hallucination.

Qin Mo looked at Ji Ning, her eyes filled with a glimmer of hope.

"Have you ever had the sudden urge to look for something when you were seventeen?"

"That is exactly what I wanted to ask you. I don't know what I'm looking for, but my heart keeps telling me that I’ve lost something, even though I lack for nothing."

"You are not him yet. If you see him, please tell him that I love him, and I will wait for him at the place where we first met." Qin Mo sighed slightly; he still hadn't recalled his true identity.

"What is the boundary between fake and real? You tell me this world is just my dream, but I’ve lived here for seventeen years, and everything is so vivid and real. The doctor tells me you are just my fantasy. How am I supposed to distinguish between them?"

Qin Mo gazed at the lost-looking Ji Ning, not knowing how to comfort his bewildered heart.

The unspoken emotion was scattered by the night wind. For the first time, a long silence fell between them.

It was Ji Ning who eventually broke the silence. "The incident at the mall wasn't on the news. It seems no one knows about it but us."

"My inference is that Adonis will not interfere with your life." Qin Mo had also wondered why Adonis hadn't used his power to turn her into a wanted criminal in the dream, as using the dream's inhabitants to capture her would be far more efficient than sending his mental avatars.

But after several pursuits by the trench-coated man, Qin Mo discovered an interesting pattern: those avatars would only capture her while ensuring they did not disturb the normal operation of the dream. They would always disperse the crowd before taking action; even if they had long since targeted her, they would not act before then. Qin Mo surmised this was due to Adonis’s protection of the dream. Much like the Three Laws of Robotics, he had his own code of conduct. He would not arbitrarily disrupt the dream's operation, as that might cause it to collapse. If the entire dream were an organism, protecting that organism was far more important to Adonis than capturing a virus like her.

Ji Ning nodded and then turned to stare at his own back, as if waiting for something. A minute later, he raised his head.

"If this world is my dream, why can't I control things here? I can't even grow a pair of wings?"

Qin Mo was amused by his earnestness. She smiled and said, "Even in a dream, one must abide by basic principles. Only things that conform to the logic of this world's operation can occur. Your subconscious can indeed influence this world to a certain extent, but it cannot violate its fundamental laws. For example, if you keep reinforcing the concept of 'winning the lottery and getting a flying unicorn' in your heart, you will almost certainly win the lottery after you go out to buy a ticket, but the prize cannot be a flying unicorn, because while winning the lottery is possible in this world, this world does not contain unicorns."

"So it’s like making a wish—the wish can only be something that is possible, not a paradox?"

"Exactly."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you real, or are you a fantasy born from my heart's craving for love?"

Qin Mo stood up, leaned forward, and stopped when they were close enough to hear each other's breathing. She reached out and poked Ji Ning’s cheek. "That is for you to judge."

"I hope you are real, but I feel like you are fake."

"Why?"

Ji Ning didn't speak again. Qin Mo gradually realized it, too; the flush on their faces spoke louder than any dialogue.

Qin Mo instinctively brushed aside her hair, which had been blown by the wind. She pressed the back of her hand to her cheek, but it couldn't hide the rouge-like blush spreading across her face.

"Does this count as a confession?"

"I don't think so."

Qin Mo acted as if she hadn't heard, repeating word by word, "A craving for love in one's heart."

"I don't know if that's the feeling of 'liking,' but in the few days you were gone, I just... missed you a little."

Qin Mo looked at that slightly nervous face and felt a sudden urge to laugh. What did he mean by "just missed you a little"? You’ve been so restless you could barely eat or sleep, thinking of me constantly—why are you so unforthcoming? You know I wouldn't reject you.

Qin Mo didn't understand; love was a wondrous thing. It made girls bold and boys shy.

"You don't like me?"

"Probably about as much as you like me."

"Then that means you like me very much."

The light in Qin Mo's eyes made Ji Ning feel very warm. He had a strange sensation: he could voice his true inner thoughts without concealment, because no matter what, she would accept them.

"Do you remember what you promised me?"

"Going to Ulaanbaatar?"

"That's right."

"Why go so far away?"

"Although the police aren't looking for me, Adonis might still send people to find me. It's both a trip and a way to lay low."

Unexpectedly, Ji Ning did not press further. "Alright."

"Aren't you afraid I’m just your fantasy?"

Ji Ning paused, then looked at her very seriously.

"Regardless, a promise must be kept."

Qin Mo's gaze was as gentle as water. She leaped lightly off the billboard and walked toward the stairs with her hands behind her back. This was a good sign; knowing and doing wrong is often the beginning of something unstoppable.

Just before she disappeared from Ji Ning’s sight, Qin Mo turned and waved.

"I’ll come to see you tomorrow."

Ji Ning didn't move. Only after Qin Mo had left did he turn his head to continue gazing at the city lights. Those lights were like an omen of some emotion, shining brilliantly in the darkness.

He didn't ask why Qin Mo had suddenly vanished that day, nor did he ask where she had been for the past few days. They both tacitly avoided the topic, or rather, Ji Ning had found the answer in his heart, but he said nothing.

The moment he saw Qin Mo, he understood his own answer. Whether it was real or fake, he only wanted to see her.