Volume 1, Chapter 18: I Just Want to Sleep While Holding the Young Master

On the morning of the eighteenth day of the twelfth lunar month, a great commotion broke out in the main household.

Yesterday, Xiao Jingling had gone out for amusement and stumbled upon her fiancé, Wang Qi, laughing and chatting intimately with another woman. In a fit of fury, she rushed forward and slapped Wang Qi, for which she was punished by being made to kneel in the ancestral hall all night long.

This morning, the Wang family sent representatives to claim that yesterday’s events were all a misunderstanding. However, because Wang Qi had lost face, they demanded that Xiao Jingling offer an apology to the woman in question. Xiao Jingling naturally refused, and upon leaving the ancestral hall, she insisted on calling off the engagement. It was only through the personal intervention of the Old Madam that the matter was quelled. Although the storm had passed and the betrothal remained intact, Xiao Jingling’s heart was shattered; she remained in Lady Shen’s quarters, sobbing inconsolably. Lady Shen, doting on her daughter, was inclined to dissolve the engagement, but the Old Madam forbade it, dismissing the entire affair as the foolish antics of a child.

This was all Yaoyan had gathered from her conversations with Ping’er; she knew no more and dared not speculate further. However, Xiao Huai had left the house early that morning carrying his sword. Just as Yaoyan finished speaking with Ping’er, she heard Xiao Jingling’s voice. Stepping out to look, she found Xiao Jingling huddled in Xiao Huai’s room, weeping. Usually a vibrant and cheerful girl, she now looked utterly disheveled, her hair in a chaotic mess.

Yaoyan went over and closed the door to avoid prying eyes. Gently patting Xiao Jingling’s back, she could only offer the consolation, "Sixth Miss, please, stop crying."

Hearing her voice, Xiao Jingling revealed eyes swollen like walnuts. She threw her arms around Yaoyan’s waist, sobbing, "They are all liars! Grandmother won't help me, and Mother—Mother has no way to interfere. I don't want to marry Wang Qi anymore!"

Stroking her hair, Yaoyan said softly, "Servant heard that this was merely a misunderstanding. Perhaps Young Master Wang..."

Xiao Jingling’s eyes brimmed with tears. Having cried all night, her voice was hoarse. "Wang Qi is a liar! They weren't just 'talking' at all! When I arrived, he was holding that woman in his arms. I slapped him, and if I hadn't brought my servants with me, he would have struck me back..."

As she spoke with increasing sorrow, Yaoyan felt a dull ache in her ears. She was puzzled. "Then why..." She had intended to ask why the Old Madam refused to allow the engagement to be broken, but fearing that someone might overhear and accuse her of instigating trouble, she swallowed the words mid-sentence.

Xiao Jingling loosened her grip on Yaoyan’s waist and pulled her to sit beside her, as if the bitterness in her heart had finally found an outlet. "Old Madam Wang and our Grandmother are close. For the sake of appearances, Grandmother refuses to call off the marriage. The outside world claims I struck Wang Qi and calls me overbearing, but the truth is nothing like what they say."

Tears streamed down her cheeks, her voice bitter. "I have seen that woman before. Wang Qi claimed she was the daughter of his father’s guest. I was foolish enough to believe them, thinking they were merely acquaintances. I never imagined that I was the only one being kept in the dark from start to finish."

"Wang Qi was laughing at her, holding her to keep her warm." Xiao Jingling clutched her chest, her hand gripping Yaoyan’s palm tightly. "I hate him so much. If he does not love me, why must he deceive me like this?"

Yaoyan listened to her blood-chilling words, her own eyes moistening. Unable to do anything else, she could only accompany her in silence. She had always felt that men in this world were largely fickle, especially those in such wealthy, powerful clans. Surrounded by women, it was difficult for them to be devoted to only one, let alone in a marriage arranged by parents and matchmakers, which likely lacked any genuine warmth to begin with. Women hoped their future husbands would be great men who could stand by them and uphold their dignity, but what of the men? Perhaps the wives they took were merely a title, just one of many women in their lives.

Xiao Jingling wept for a long time, as if her tears were inexhaustible. Beyond her resentment toward Wang Qi, she felt an even deeper grievance toward her own grandmother.

Yaoyan wiped away her tears and, after careful thought, suggested, "Sixth Miss, if it truly cannot be done, why not beg the Master? Both the Master and Lady dote on you; they will surely find a way."

Xiao Jingling gritted her teeth. "Grandmother will not allow it, and Father and Mother are powerless... I want to kill that scoundrel Wang Qi!"

Yaoyan lowered her eyes. "Sixth Miss, violence solves nothing. You are a person of such high status; you must not ruin your reputation."

As she finished speaking, the door was pushed open. A wave of the scent of blood washed into the room. Xiao Huai stood before them, his sword tip still dripping with fresh blood.

"Who do you want to kill?" He looked at Xiao Jingling, his gaze devoid of any pity for his younger sister, cold enough to be terrifying.

Xiao Jingling clung to Yaoyan, trembling with fear, yet she held her ground. "I want to kill Wang Qi!"

Yaoyan had never seen Xiao Huai look so monstrous. The color drained from her lips, and a thought flashed through her mind: *Had the Young Master truly killed Young Master Wang?*

Xiao Huai placed his sword on the table and pulled Yaoyan away from Xiao Jingling. His voice was cold. "Then take the sword and kill him yourself."

The sword, unsheathed, glinted with a chilling, blood-spattered light. Catching the metallic, pungent scent of blood, Xiao Jingling gagged and then, trembling, reached out to take the blade. Yaoyan hid behind Xiao Huai, her hands clenched tight, her eyes filled with worry.

The sword was heavy; Xiao Jingling could not even lift it, the tip dragging across the floor with a harsh, grating sound. Moments later, she dropped the sword and sat on the ground, weeping. She had expected her brother to stand up for her, but she had never imagined he would be so indifferent. Yaoyan, unable to bear it, moved to comfort her, but Xiao Huai blocked her path. She retreated from the room, leaving the siblings alone.

***

About a cup of tea’s time later, Xiao Jingling pushed the door open and emerged. Her tears had stopped, and she headed toward the Old Madam’s quarters.

Peering through the crack in the door, Yaoyan saw Xiao Huai wiping his sword. She walked over slowly and asked softly, "Young Master, what did you do this morning?"

Xiao Huai raised an eyebrow, sheathed the sword, and countered, "Did you truly think I had killed Wang Qi?"

Yaoyan gave a bashful smile and used a handkerchief to wipe a dried speck of blood from his chin. "Servant would not dare."

Xiao Huai gazed at her for a moment, then suddenly pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her neck to inhale her scent. "Are you worried for me? Or are you afraid that if I get into trouble, you will be implicated as well?"

His arms were hard and cold as stone. Yaoyan felt uncomfortable, and as she felt his breath against the soft skin of her neck, her body trembled. "Servant... Servant is worried for the Young Master."

Xiao Huai grabbed her hands, a sudden urge to crush her rising within him. His demeanor was frightening. Yaoyan had never been this close to him before; could it be that the Young Master’s own beloved had been dallying with someone else?

Xiao Huai’s abnormality did not last long. Just as Yaoyan began to fear she might be strangled, the shackles of his arms loosened.

Xiao Huai’s voice was hoarse. "You may leave."

He propped his forehead in his hand, looking pained. Yaoyan hesitated over whether to show concern, but seeing his look, she chose to leave. Once outside, she gasped for cold air, her heart still pounding.

By lunch, Ping’er brought news: the Sixth Miss had stopped causing a scene and had actually apologized to Wang Qi and the woman. The woman turned out to be a maidservant of Wang Qi. The Old Madam of the Wang family had issued a command: the maid’s limbs were broken before she was sold off.

Though this was likely the outcome Xiao Jingling had desired, Yaoyan felt a chill run down her spine. She, too, was a maid—a maid who had served the Young Master long before his marriage. She felt a coldness permeating her entire body, praying that once the Young Master’s affairs were settled, the Old Madam would let her go; otherwise, her own fate would surely be no better.

The next day, when Xiao Jingling returned, she lacked her usual vibrancy. She was calm and said to Yaoyan, "I have thought it through. Regardless of whether the engagement is cancelled, it was Wang Qi who betrayed me first. Since he acts without benevolence, how can he blame me for being heartless?"

It had taken great resolve for Xiao Jingling to lower herself and apologize to the pair. Though she was satisfied with the woman’s fate, her heart remained bitter. "I once thought him merely dull, but I never imagined he was such a man without character. When that woman had her limbs broken, he didn't even dare to speak. He was cowardly, lacking a shred of masculine spirit. I never imagined the man I would marry would be like this. And that was his beloved; if it were someone else—if it were me—what would he do then?"

Yaoyan offered only mild, perfunctory words of comfort; her own heart was heavy, and she lacked the strength to console anyone. Perhaps it was the weight of her worries, but that evening she fell ill. The doctor arrived and diagnosed it as a deficiency of heart-qi complicated by a wind-evil pathogen. It was not critical, but he advised two days of careful rest.

Yaoyan finally understood the saying that "illness comes like a landslide." Her entire body ached. She no longer had to go to Xiao Huai’s room at night, remaining instead in the left wing to recover. After the doctor left, Ping’er wiped away tears while brewing her medicine.

The medicine was bitter. Yaoyan leaned against the headboard, unable to fathom why she had fallen ill. Time was running out; the Young Master had held her just yesterday, and perhaps in two more days, the plan would be complete. Now, bedridden, she did not know when she would recover. She felt a profound sense of misery and refused to drink the medicine, sulking in her own despair.

Ping’er urged her, "Look on the bright side. There is still plenty of time; you might be fully recovered by tomorrow or the day after."

Yaoyan took the medicine from her hand, drinking it slowly. The bitterness made her tears fall. She wondered if it was just bad luck or her own wretched fate that things always went against her wishes.

After sending the doctor away, Xiao Huai looked at the empty daybed and asked Zhou Ning, "What does 'deficiency of heart-qi' mean? What is she harboring in her heart, so depressed that she has actually fallen ill?"

Zhou Ning, not understanding such matters, replied, "Since Yaoyan serves you, who else could she be harboring in her heart but you, General?" He analyzed it logically. "Nurse Wu from the Old Madam’s quarters brings tonics every day. You refuse to drink them, and Yaoyan has to throw them away, leaving her caught in the middle. Why not drink the tonic in front of her tomorrow?"

Xiao Huai’s tone was hollow. "If I drink the tonic, will you come keep me company?"

Zhou Ning quickly apologized, "This subordinate was wrong! If you care for Yaoyan, why not provide her with some nourishing things? Perhaps she will recover faster, and her heart will be at ease. Once the stagnation in her heart dissipates, won't her body naturally recover?"

"Nourishing things?"

"Yes. This subordinate has heard that bird’s nest, ginseng, cordyceps, shark fin, and bear’s paw are all exceptionally restorative."

Xiao Huai: "..."

He had never kept a woman before; this was the first time he realized how expensive it was to keep one.

***

While ill, Yaoyan was in a semi-conscious haze, waking many times throughout the night, feeling as if every day was a year. When Ping’er returned today, her face was full of joy. She carefully took a porcelain bowl out of the food box. "Yaoyan, the Young Master bought bird's nest for you to help you recover."

"What?" Yaoyan’s mind cleared instantly. The Young Master bought her bird's nest?

"What else could it be?" Ping’er, eyes full of excitement, grabbed her hand. "Yaoyan, the Young Master has you in his heart! He bought many precious things to nourish you. You must get well soon!"

Yaoyan felt as if she were in a dream. She asked again, "Really?"

Ping’er replied, "Could this be fake? That ginseng, bird's nest, and shark fin—I’ve only ever seen the Lady and the Misses eat them. The Young Master bought plenty for your sake and instructed the kitchen to prepare them for your recovery every day."

Yaoyan curled her lips into a smile. After asking repeatedly and tasting a spoonful of the bird's nest, she felt a sweetness bloom in her heart.

"Does the Old Madam know?"

Ping’er wiped the corner of her mouth with a handkerchief, beaming. "Not only does she know, but she praised you for your service and said she would surely reward you well. Nurse Wu said she would send over some medicinal tonics. She said that since you are suffering from a wind-evil pathogen, you shouldn't take strong tonics like ginseng, so you should just drink the Four-Ingredient Decoction and eat the bird's nest."

Yaoyan listened intently, a rosy flush returning to her pale, sickened cheeks.

She was ill for four days, and by the time she fully recovered, it was already the twenty-third day of the twelfth month. The snow had stopped, and the sun appeared for a rare moment, though the cold remained biting.

That evening, after freshening up, Yaoyan went to Xiao Huai’s room. She discovered that the quilt on the daybed where she usually slept had been removed, leaving only two pillows lying lonely on the surface. She felt as if she had plummeted into a bottomless abyss.

Xiao Huai returned from the study to find her sitting on the daybed, looking as if she were on the verge of tears. After a few days of absence, she appeared much thinner, her clothes hanging loosely on her, clutching a rabbit-fur handwarmer. Seeing him, she pointed to her usual spot and asked with red-rimmed eyes, "Does the Young Master no longer want servant to sleep here?"

Influenced by Ping’er’s brainwashing over the past few days, Yaoyan had fully convinced herself that the Young Master cared for her; she acted spoiled without a hint of hesitation. Having just recovered, Xiao Huai did not want to discourage her further, so he said, "You cannot sleep on the daybed anymore. Go sleep in the left wing."

Yaoyan stood up, walked to him, and tugged at his sleeve, her voice soft. "Servant is not afraid of the cold; I only wish to sleep by the Young Master’s side."

*How did she become so bold after a bout of illness?*

"Then you will sleep on the floor?"

Yaoyan looked up at him, her eyes full of expectation. "Can servant sleep with you?"

Xiao Huai froze. "Is this what you think about every day?"

Yaoyan’s face burned, and she stammered, unable to speak, though she indeed spent every day thinking about how to accomplish this. Seeing her flushed face, Xiao Huai felt his mood improve. He strode toward the bed. "You sleep on the inside; I will sleep on the outside."

Two quilts were already prepared on the bed, one thick and one thin. Yaoyan shed her outer garments and slipped under the covers, waiting for him. Xiao Huai moved slowly as he undressed. Sleeping on separate beds had been fine, but sharing a bed was a challenge for him.

Yet, he had only relented because he could not bear it; the daybed was near the window, and how could she not fall ill in the freezing night air? If Yaoyan fell ill again, wouldn't he have to waste more silver? So, letting her sleep on the bed was not his original intention, but a necessity, Xiao Huai told himself.

After undressing, he barely looked at Yaoyan and turned his back to her. Sensing her moving behind him, Xiao Huai warned coldly, "If I am startled in the night, I will kill."